


the Customer Is Always Right: Christmas in Retail

by fabricdragon



Series: Retail Interrogation Meme shuffle [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Christmas, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Information Technology, mentions of Christmas music, retail work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 11:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20723636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabricdragon/pseuds/fabricdragon
Summary: I'm just playing around with that interrogation/retail prompt, and this happened.Jim hallucinates being back in retail work during interrogation under Mycroft Holmes.





	the Customer Is Always Right: Christmas in Retail

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mickie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mickie/gifts), [Knowmefirst](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knowmefirst/gifts).

Jim was in hell… he knew this was hell because somehow he was back working in that department store, and it was Christmas…

And that manager was still alive, instead of decently flattened under a bus like they should have been.

Jim tried to make sense of it…

But he was tied to a chair in the shoe department and that damn manager was leaning over him with a box of shoes…

“Say it!”

Jim snarled, “I’m not saying shit!” _and I will find a way to push you under a bus again…_

He felt the impact across his cheek- who knew the bitch could hit that hard?- “Say it! The Customer is always right. SAY IT!”

The managers face… had stubble? He stared blearily at them, “fuck you! Fuck the customers! Hire some more damn people! you want me to wait on five people and still have time to go through the back stock?”

They wavered in and out of focus and he spat in her face…

~

The senior interrogator called time on it- Moriarty wasn't responding in a useful way to the new drugs or the combination of drugs and physical stress. They dragged him back to his room and left him in restraints…

They had to restrain him more than usual: he was shrieking about customers and… knives… and… overtime with trees?… and something about a bus…and shoes… lots about shoes… although apparently threats about knives and shoes were not unknown from him.

~

Marvin waited until everyone was off shift and quietly looped the cameras. He got the electrolyte solution and after a moment's hesitation got out a bag of candy from his locker.

He technically wasn't supposed to have direct access to the prisoner, but… it was the holidays and most folks had gone home…

~

“Mister… Moriarty…? “ he spoke a bit hesitantly as he opened the door.

Jim struggled to focus on the form in the lighted doorway, _ Was it the back room at the store? Had I fallen asleep? No… wait… interrogation? _ He tried to sit up and found himself restrained to the bed rather more thoroughly than usual.

Marvin walked in, watching the man become a bit more coordinated as he thrashed a bit, and then apparently realizing he was restrained and he stopped struggling. “I… can undo your hands so you can sit up…?”

Jim stared blearily at the man- _ this was NOT one of the interrogators or the guards that he normally dealt with. _ “Who the hell are you?” his throat felt like he’d been screaming.

“Uh… Marvin? I normally work in the monitoring… uh… I brought a bottle of electrolytes and some chocolate…”

Jim blinked twice, “real chocolate or some sort of vaguely chocolate insulting drug?”

“Well.. I mean, it's my chocolate… just the usual sort? Nothing fancy…”

“...” Jim stretched his fingers and wiggled them, “Sure, I’d love to sit up… this cot is made of rocks… lumpy rocks.”

“Yeah they are… I tried napping on one once.” 

Jim blinked in baffled confusion as he unlocked him. “So.. this is a new take on the good cop bad cop routine?”

“No… no one knows I'm here.” Marvin shrugged, “I don't have anyone to go home for the holidays or anything so i was on the shift to shut stuff down… most of the interrogation staff is home: with you out of it and all…”

Jim sat up slowly and took the bottle of electrolytes: it was very soothing on his throat. “Aren't you worried i’ll kill you and escape?” he didn't have any plans to, but it was odd.

“Maybe a little? But I couldn't get you past security even if i wanted to- so… I kind of figured you wouldn't? Also you looked pretty unsteady still.”

Jim held out his hand for the water and took a good swallow of it. “Chocolate? You did say you had chocolate.”

“Yeah… uh.. It's a mixed treat bag? You aren't allergic to anything i hope?”

“I’m allergic to a lot, but not nuts or raisins or anything in candy.”

Marvin handed him a chocolate and helped him unwrap it. He popped it in his mouth and looked… well like a guy who REALLY liked chocolate.

After Jim finished off two chocolates he finally decided to ask, “So… why- if it's not a ploy to try to get anything- are you in here feeding me chocolate? You arent gay, and you don't look at me like that, so its not sex…”

Marvin pulled back appalled, “God no! Uh… no i’m not gay, but even if i was you’re a PRISONER!”

Jim stared at him- he meant it- “oh you sweet naive thing you… like that stops anyone?”

“Uh….”

“Ok, ok, so… why?” jim paused and remembered people liked to be thanked, “thank you? But why?”

“I think i’m the only one who realized what you were saying… uh… most of the rest of them were just putting it all down to… unconnected hallucinations?”

“... and what do you think i was saying?”

Marvin smiled wryly, “Takes one to know one, i guess? I don't think any of the rest of that lot ever worked Christmas retail.”

Jim’s eyes widened and he dug his hands into the bed, “...how much did i say out loud? I was ...”

Marvin held his hands up, “You don't have to tell me! I still have flashbacks when i hear Christmas music sometimes, and God help me when the ads come on the telly…” he shuddered just thinking about it. "You mostly were incoherent but i heard a bit about customers and shoes, and everyone else took it as threats- apparently you threaten people with shoes? But… it sounded like retail…”

Jim sagged, “I worked one Christmas in a department store, in the shoe section… I swear it scarred me for life.”

Marvin held out a hand and sighed, “I did three years in the toy department.”

Jim stared at him, “you seem sane…” he muttered as he shook his hand.

Marvin snorted. “Anyway, honestly i just… it's THAT season and...I could sympathize, although i’m not sure retail is actually worse than interrogation…”

Jim hesitated, “I dunno? Maybe it's just that I was a lot younger and less capable then- i mean they have to let me go: i have too many failsafes. If they can't break me, without… well damaging me too much, i will eventually walk out.”

Marvin considered, “yeah,” he nodded, “That makes a difference… sounded like you had a manager from hell.”

Jim smiled, “yeah- i got her hit by a bus…”

“Damn… wish i could have gotten one of my managers hit by a bus… except I wouldn't wish the trauma on the bus driver.”

Jim raised an eyebrow, “I didn't like that bus driver- that was the bus route I commuted on: he was an ass.”

“Oh.”

“You take that well…”

“Find me ONE retail worker who doesn't have at least one manager they wouldn't mind seeing offed.” Marvin snorted and crossed his arms, “And anyone who’s had to ride enough busses in their life has at least one driver, too.”

Jim grinned, “You arent the sort to actually do it, though.”

“No,” Marvin shook his head, “No, but… it's … it's like all the stories of ‘what would you do if you had one day-”

“Were you could do anything? Picturing the retail workers going baying for blood after the store closes…” Jim’s grin widened, “I write a few of those.”

“Wait… what?”

Jim shrugged, “I’m on the internet under a few dozen identities: I write sometimes… I wrote a whole zombie apocalypse story where the retail workers just cackled and and started offing zombie customers- and a few that were suspicious…”

“I… I think i’ve READ that one!”

“Honey, everyone has… its been shared so many times… and re written by some other people.”

Marvin gave him some more chocolate, “I… uh.. Look, if you stay put i could go to the vending machine and try to get something?”

Jim looked dubious, “is it better than the stuff in the retail break room?”

“Well… uh… there’s packaged nuts? And crisps… and…” he shrugged, “There’s more electrolyte stuff in the fridge…”

“Sure, why not.” Jim smirked, “hey… so can you get into the main floors? Where the desk set are?”

“Uh… yes, but i won't-”

“No, no, i’ll stay right here… but… there’s a secretary sort: brown hair, wears tweed, tries to look like Holmes? Sucks up a lot?”

“I… yeah? I think i know that one?”

“They have a bag of the GOOD chocolate in their desk, if they didn't take it home.”

Marvin perked up, “I won't tell if you don't!”

“Who, me?” Jim shrugged, “look, just get a bag of CHEAP chocolates from the vending machine- or anything really- and leave it in the place of the good stuff: they’re an ass kissing weasel, no one will follow up or believe them.”

Marvin slipped out and Jim sat there drinking the rest of the water and electrolytes. Eventually he came back with a bag of high end chocolates.

“Oh my GOD these are amazing!” Marvin said around a chocolate.

“MUCH better than the stuff you had,” Jim agreed.

After a while Marvin asked him about his retail background; Jim told him a few stories, and left out a lot of details. Jim asked Marvin about his; Marvin told him stories about working in toy sales that could curl your hair.

Eventually…

“I have to go, and… uh… I need to leave you the way i found you… sorry?”

Jim shrugged, “Yeah, I figured. They really do make these cots out of rocks, though.”

Marvin apologised and re-scecured him to the cot- he left him a bit more play, though.

…

Quite a number of months later

...

Marvin was looking at job openings. He’d finally been let go from the interrogation branch- too sympathetic to prisoners, too emotionally affected, whatever- and working in IT support in the branch was driving him insane.

“Not one of these people should be trusted with a computer.” well except Mister Holmes and his direct people- they were competent, but he never got sent there because it was above his clearance.

Unfortunately, finding a job outside of government once you’ve worked with this level of classified material was… difficult, and getting transferred internally to a different department had a waiting list a mile long… and his being rated as ‘vulnerable to manipulation’ didn't help.

He got back to his flat, realized he had nothing to eat and wasn't hungry anyway, and went to the local cafe.

He was sitting- yeah totally being a drama queen and moodily stirring his tea- when an elegantly wrapped chocolate dropped onto his plate…

He looked up as a pleasant looking man slid into the seat across from him.

“Uh… sorry, if you’re looking for a blind date i’m not him?” he eyed the chocolate wistfully.

A surprisingly deep chuckle from the man across from him, “No… that's for you- just returning the favor.”

Marvin looked very puzzled, but chocolate! So he unwrapped it and bit into… “Oh my GOD this is sinful!”

“Hazelnut liqueur mixed into a hazelnut creme center, enrobed in the very best chocolate.” the man said happily, popping its twin into his mouth…

The expression he had savoring it suddenly snapped into memory… Marvin almost choked on the chocolate. “Oh!”

Jim smirked as Marvin obviously placed him. “Hullo, Marvin.”

“Uh…” he looked around a bit worriedly, “If you’re going to kill me can you make it fast… and… uh… can i have another chocolate first?”

Blink, blink, “why would I kill you?” Jim asked curiously- and pushed over another chocolate.

“Do you think I didn't notice how many accidents the interrogation staff had?” Marvin bit into the second chocolate and moaned.

“Damn, Marvin! Keep making noises like that… are you sure you arent gay?” 

Marvin flushed, “pretty sure, i mean i never tried it and… uh.. I don't really get why anyone would?”

Jim waved, “Just teasing, but you could make a living recording porn with those noises..”

Marvin sagged, “Ok… do you have any contacts? Because… i gotta find a new job and…”

“Well yes i do, and no, i doubt you want to try for the job,” Jim said cocking his head, “I THOUGHT that was you on some of the job search boards…”

“I got… well not fired, but forcibly transferred because i was-”

“Too emotionally affected," Jim nodded, “yeah, i saw that.”

“How the hell did you… never mind, i don't want to know.” Marvin finished his tea, “anyway i’m working IT and they’re horrible!”

“Oh God!” Jim groaned, “you don't have the clearance to work IT for the people with clues, do you…?”

“No,” Marvin said glumly, “I spent half my day cleaning viruses off people’s computers and trying to get Word documents back that got deleted, and the other half trying to explain basic computer stuff to people…”

Jim gritted his teeth, “Like telling the idiots not to open that video link? Or that stupid eCard?”

Marvin moaned and put his head in his hands, “I spent an HOUR explaining to one person that their password couldn't be eight asterixes in a row…” Marvin muttered, “and I can't… I just can’t even…”

Jim felt an unaccustomed pang of sympathy and reached over to pat Marvin on the shoulder. “I feel your pain, there, truly. I worked IT for a hospital for a few and… I swear i wanted to burn the place to the ground by the end of it.”

Marvin took a deep breath, “So… uh… you obviously aren't dead… and you say you aren't here to kill me…?”

“Nah. I only went after the assholes- well the ones that went over and beyond the required level of asshole, I mean.” Jim considered, “And a couple others to throw off the pattern.” he shrugged, “You aren't at risk there.”

“Ok? So… um… just came to … pay back the chocolates? These are fantastic by the way.”

“Well at LEAST pay back the chocolates.” Jim smirked, “want a job?”

“Uh… i… I’m not going to sell out my information- not that i have much- and i won't spy-”

Jim waved a hand, “no, no, I obviously already know more about what's going on in there than you do… no, a totally separate and apparently legit job.” he tilted his head, “actually if you’re straight… I have two or three options.”

“That involve sex?!”

“My old IT job- they’re morons but it pays better than your current job- would involve a side job of keeping an eye on a young lady for me: I'd pay you a bit extra for it.”

“Dating her?”  
“No… or rather, it's up to you if you do: I would be giving you a bit under the table just to keep an eye on her and let me know she’s ok, or if she needs anything- do you like cats?”

“Uh… yes?”

“Good: she has a cat.” Jim nodded. They both had self esteem issues, and ended all their sentences on a rising note- which kind of drove him crazy...crazier- but they should get along. “Anyway, after the whole thing with me working there, they would rather have someone with a security clearance- and Doctor Hooper is a person of interest to the Holmes boys: they’ll be delighted for you to have the job.”

“Uh… ok? Um… you… honestly just wanted to help me get a job? And… deliver chocolates?”

“One Christmas Retail sufferer to another? Yeah; besides, as i said, i have my own reasons to want a reliable person in that job that won't turn out to be a spy or an assassin.”

“...you...like her?”

“Ever had one of those coworkers where you kind of want to feed them a cookie, and you kind of want to drown them?”

“Yeah.”

Jim nodded. “Molly- Doctor Hooper. She’s very good at her job, and is at least marginally competent with her computers.” he winced, “and I want to get her tea and a self help book, and tell her to stop chasing such bad boyfriends…. But I kind of want to strangle her because ALL she ever did was talk about her lousy choice in boyfriends.”

“Oh… that… sounds… well… beats going back to retail.”

Jim shuddered, “I’d mercy kill you first.”

“Well… before Christmas anyway? Yeah… uh… thanks.”

The shift had changed at the cafe and the music station paused… Jim idly noted someone throwing a new CD in. the next moment half the people in the cafe stiffened as the identifiable strains of instrumental holiday music started playing.

“For the love of God, NO!” someone shouted.

“Turn that OFF you heathen!” a frazzled looking woman in all black clothes except for her trainers screamed.

“Hey!”

“Aw HELL no…” American accent.

Marvin stood up, “how COULD you?!”

The girl who had put in the disk looked apologetic, “Manager wanted it…”

Jim walked up, smiled shyly and politely, reached past the girl and ripped the CD player off its spot and the plug out of the wall. Still smiling sweetly he turned and hurled it toward the front door, narrowly missing a customer walking in.

“What?!” he ducked.

Several people cheered, several others stared in disbelief.

“Sorry, retail PTSD,” Jim said pleasantly. “Can i have two of those pastries to go, dear?”

The girl stared at him and wordlessly got him two pastries. Jim paid and gave her a tip and turned back to Marvin.

“Right… uh… I should go apply for that job…” Marvin said walking carefully around the remains of the Cd player.

“I’ll send you the application link!” jim said cheerfully, as he walked out- ignoring the screaming manager and making note of the local bus routes.


End file.
